I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
