making cat noises will not fix the situation.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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