Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
