Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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