i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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