Do you still have your period?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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