It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
