I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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