Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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