HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
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Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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