i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH