My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.