I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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