Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Randomize
