Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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