This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
