$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
