Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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