I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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