and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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