My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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