from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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