That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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