Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
