She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
