i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
