the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
