Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
