I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
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Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
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"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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