is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
