so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
