Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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