fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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