My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
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You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
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oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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