I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
