I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
