when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
