I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
