If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
