cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
