Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
