i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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