my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
