Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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