my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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