i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
