I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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