I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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