apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
