are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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