I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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