im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
