yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
