My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
