bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
