I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
