i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
