my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
