i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
